Some people are in such utter darkness that they will burn you just to see a light. Try not to take it personally.

Kamand Kojouri

My Mum always told me that you had to try to see things from the other person’s point of view. She said that unless you had walked a mile in their shoes, you didn’t know what was really going on in their heads. She also said that very often the petty or mean things a person does or says come from a point of their need, not anything you have done or could do.

That child who kicks out at you for saying no? They’ve had a hard day at school, with a subject they struggle to understand.

The bus driver who seemingly drives off without noticing you running up to the bus? Their wife is undergoing chemo and they have no bandwidth for mundane things.

The friend who always wants what you have, to the extent that when you get a new bag she gets the same bag, who dresses like you and has haircuts to match you? Perhaps she has always struggled with self-image and admires how you look. Perhaps she really likes your personal strength and wants to boost her confidence by mirroring you.

There are also people who seem to do mean or vicious things for no good reason at all. The online trolls, the haters, the hurters and the despisers of everything you hold dear. Whatever you think, like or do is provincial, slow, inane, old-fashioned or just stupid. They’re burning you for fun, for the lols, for whatever small reason they have to do it. If not you, then they would be burning someone else. They’re serial haters, Mean Girls in real life regardless of their sex. They like the rise, the response, the retort that enables them to burn deeper, or to think they’ve scored a hit. There is only one really sensible thing to do with them: walk away and don’t take it personally.

That’s easier to do online than in real life. Block buttons are there for a reason: use them, liberally if you have to, to create a feed that you can enjoy.

In real life, you may need better techniques to handle the deliberately hostile relative who takes everything you hold dear and minimises it. Sometimes you can walk away, and I have done that, but at other times the channels of communication need to be kept open. My best tips for keeping cool are:

• Don’t engage in discussion beyond the absolute necessary. There is no law stating that you have to socialise with people who are bad for you.
• Set your boundaries and keep to them. You do not have to welcome people into your house that make you feel less than worthy. Meet on neutral ground, or don’t meet in person and communicate only via text or email.
• Avoid trigger topics. There’s a reason that ‘don’t talk about religion, sex or politics at the table’ exists as a guide. Especially at Christmas, set group rules that put certain topics off the table and insist you all stick to that.
• Be neutral. Even if you have the completely opposite opinion, in this one case don’t express it especially if you think the other person is actively trying to trigger you. You can give your own opinion free rein once you walk away.
• Use the broken record technique. Tell them once that you do not wish to discuss XXX and would appreciate the subject be dropped. Then repeat ad nauseum until they get bored or the night ends.
• Definitely don’t take it personally. The issue is their issue, and your only involvement is as collateral damage in their nuclear fallout zone. Walk away. If you’re not there, it will have to be someone else that suffers, but it doesn’t need to be you. You can be an open ear or a supporting shoulder for the other person’s next target, or give them hints on how to escape, but you don’t need to be the cavalry driving in and taking the hits yourself.

What techniques have you used with people determined to burn you for the Lols? I found a few articles interesting to read.

• Dealing with Difficult Family Members: Especially at this time of year when large group meet ups seem to be de rigeur, it’s useful to have some tried and tested techniques in your toolbox.
• Confronting Adult Mean Girls: “You have no control over what other people say or do. But you do have control over your response.” Amen! Walk away: walk away with a smile and leave them with a grin.
• Stand Up To Mean Family Members: I’ve been shunned, and it’s a powerful attack against a dissenting voice. The solution? I’ve walked away and am happier for it. My personal integrity matters more than an enforced and unwilling unity.

How to Hygge the British Way is my gift to the world. I don’t get paid for writing it, I’m not in it for the kudos, financial rewards, to become an influencer, work with brands or otherwise make any money from the blog. That’s why there are no ads, and any products I mention and recommend have either been gifted to me or bought by me with my everyday wages or donations from supporters. Every book I review has been bought and read by me, unless stated otherwise.

I do get a couple of pennies each time someone buys from the Amazon links on my page, as an Amazon Affiliate, but otherwise if you’d like to support me, I like to give something back in return. That’s why I write books. It always feels good if you get a book back in return for some money. You can find a full list of my books at my Author’s Page on Amazon, but especially recommended for this time of year are:

Cosy Happy Hygge: Setting up a rhythm to life and rituals to enjoy it to make for a more balanced life that handles waves and storms better. Lent is a season of rituals and resets. The book has small and easy ways to make your life flow with grace and happiness, which lead to more hygge.

Happier: Probably my most personal book, it’s the story of how I used hygge and the little things in life to help boost my happiness. I still go back and reread to remind myself what I need to do to be a happy human. And it’s always the little things.

My Christmas books are always available: Have Yourself a Happy Hygge Christmas is a good place to start, on how to make the season cosier, happier. Celebrating a Contagious Christmas was written during covid year, but has useful advice on celebrating when times are hard anyway and Enjoying a Self-Care Christmas is a short e-book on keeping Christmas simpler, easier and better for you, your waistline and your budget. It even includes 25+ suggestions for self-care activities over Christmas, as simple as sipping tea, keeping a list journal or lighting a candle. Bigger is not always better for Christmas.

I’m currently working on two book projects: I have a hankering to rewrite 50 Ways to Hygge the British Way, so it’s not available at the moment, but even dearer to my heart and my next stated aim is to finish and publish my next book, Simple Plus Cosy = Hygge. It will be about homemaking and how the home we create shapes the hygge we have. Hopefully it will be finished by the end of spring/summer.

If you’d like to support me, but don’t want to buy a book, I have a Paypal.Me account as Hygge Jem. Every little helps, so even a few pence goes towards the books, goods and courses I use and recommend on the site. I’m grateful for every little bit that brings me closer to my dream of full-time writing, and I know I couldn’t still be writing if it weren’t for the support of many readers and friends out there. Thank you all for every little bit of support, emotional, physical and financial, you give me.

If you’ve enjoyed this article, don’t forget to share it or save it so others can enjoy reading, thinking about and living hygge as well.

The photo between post and promotions is by Laura Nyhuis on Unsplash. I’m using it from now until January as a real reminder of the power of light. I loved the simplicity of the shot, the focus on the one candle, the reminder that there are many lights out there if we open our hearts to them and the combination of candle and nature in creating a cosy Christmas.